On Shades of Experience

I don't cover every possible shade of opinion, or variant of choice in my posts because I've seen first-hand what Analysis Paralysis does to a person. People look to me for advice because they like how I deal with my problems, they find my brand of questionable ethics refreshing, and my blatant insanity gives them a new perspective. Blogging puts it all out there so that I can piss people off half a world away, or maybe offer a bit of hope.

If you don't hit the "back" button, you might read on and then moan that I present everything as a Duality...  "Do or do not, there is no try".. when we all know there are shades upon shades of grey.

 Seriously?? Most thinking people are aware that Duality, and the "Third Way" are just conveniences used for the sake of clarity, simplicity and brevity.  Of course there are shades of meaning, and hidden subtleties and distinctions that make each individual's situation different. If we were points on a Bell Curve, my loyal readers would all lie near me, probably somewhere near the end that means "insanely unlikely" and we'd have a lot more breathing space that those poor cunts at the fat bit at the top o_O

I'm writing "What Would Gehenna Do" and you are reading and saying "but, but, but"? This is a problem how? Spouting all the things I left out as irrelevant to me are as good for you as a "Yes, I agree, I wub you Gehenna" or a "No.. that's ignorant, Blanket Gehenna! I'll send you light and fairy angels". Made you think didn't I?

If you are complaining, then you've read, questioned and rejected me in favour of finding something that suits you. That's still valuable; you don't like that I didn't cover your perspective, and so you understand what you are *not* looking for a little bit more.

In a real life conversation, I'm the understanding, accepting one who takes in your position and empathises without making you feel like shit. That's because I toss out all the pre-conceptions I may have and actually fucking listen :)

Virtually everyone I know confides in me, and that trust is not misplaced. Total strangers feel drawn to me, and tell me they trust me. Arrrrr :)

Here isn't real life, we don't have the luxury of time, I don't want to write an in-depth thesis on every thought I have... hell, If I did want to I'd just write books until I got rich.

I have neither time, inclination or desire to join the legions of Analysis Paraplegics.. I like being a misanthropic bitch far too much, it makes me feel all "happy" inside and works as a filter so I find new people who can see past bullshit just like I can. That's not something you attract with mass appeal ;) 

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Post length is a tricky thing to get right. When my writing is a bit more "grabby" I want to go the little and often "daily nuggets of shite" route.

 This is *my* blog and it's all about the me, and thus unique.

The blogsphere is just a bunch of diaries, and just like Real Life, most are interesting only to the author. Some are worth a quick flip, if only to marvel at some truly horrendous Unwarranted Self-Importance, Delusional Insight or plain old What the Holy Fuck? A handful have risen to the top of their category, and still fewer have mass appeal.


I don't have mass appeal, and that's a huge saving grace as far as I'm concerned, because my email inbox would be overflowing with crap.



"It's like a vat of acid with a PIE in! roll in, victims!"

Venting

I got up this morning in a foul mood and felt like jacking it all in to run off and run a Llama farm, or anything else which involves living as far away from other people as is practical.
I did what I usually do when I'm pissed off, which is to put on capslock, tell everyone with a big angry rant, and then troll the internet till I feel better. Once I've worked off some of the crappy feelings I get a better idea of what they are and what to do.
Today's angst was (mostly) about feeling trapped and defined by stereotypes and other people's fail. It threw up a few interesting points I'd like to delve further into (highlighted):

Gehenna Polah Beh

gonna be one of those days is it? fuck that shit& fuck working my ass off at shit I hate I WANT TO SELL PERFUMES

WELL I'M SICK OF IT it was never my desire to have to put myself out there as a fucking wierdo freak when I spent my life not wanting to brag about it, I hate the personal aspect of writing because I feel like I'm hanging my guts out in public, and I doubly hate having to keep pointing out I don't identify with the whole she-bang. I hate the super sucky "beyond within" name which is ugly, derivative and not anything *I* ever would have chosen, EVER, and I hate the fact I was forced into a totally modern arrangement that actually meant I have to be everything, all at once because (edited so I don't have to go into my 1950s household beliefs).

why should ~I feel pushed to blog and write when I have no following? I hate having to market myself because I fucking hate people, It goes against my grain to compete, SO I DON'T

......

I have wanted to make and sell perfumes for a few years now. I was inspired by some I bought from an online company in the States. They smelled wonderful, and lasted much better than traditional brand-name Eww du Toilet or whatever it is, and they had a far more "me" aesthetic than mainstream stuff. They also came in tiny little (expensive) bottles and took a long time to arrive.

I got a tad resentful, as I am wont to do, because it all smacked of Weirdo Tax and buying into an image, albeit a Gothier one. I never get too far into any wankdom, because group dynamics piss me off so much I end up hating it.

I experimented with making my own scents, which led to the discovery that I'm awesome at smells. I just have a knack for what works, how it works with body chemistry, and how scents compliment, enhance, mingle and evoke.

Scent is the biggest trigger of memory, bar none, it has a hella lot to do with sexual attraction, and plain old interaction in general. It has many functions in the natural word, and I could waffle on about it for hours. You'll have guessed smells are a huge deal to me, and you'd be correct. They help ground me which is a fucking minor miracle in itself, and I also use them to create a sense of space/better personal bubble and to get into various mental states when I want to pick up Radio Psy.

I got stupid amounts of comments from randoms about whatever (insanely multi-layered) blend I wore, and was asked constantly where to buy them. Friends would go on about how my parcels smelled amazing. I also noticed I could activate them to perform various energetic effects, like drawing people in, repelling certain other people and adding oomph to my already massive charisma. I R 5ft 0 of STFU Dx
I totally pranked this guy I liked by sending him a bottle of "chick bait." That backfired slightly...

I ended up carrying samples with me and handing them out like sweeties.. and then custom blending them for specific people, and even sold a few off the record.

The unanimous feedback was "Why the FUCK are you not selling these as works of art?? Stupid woman!". So, I will, soon. Troll's honor.

...
As for competing... oooh where to start. I just don't do it. I refuse to get caught up in trying to prove myself on any level, as a woman, as a woo-woo, as a person.

I lurk in corners at parties. When everyone else is vying for attention, I sidle off and do my own thing. I just can't be arsed, I get a kind of apathy descend and I lose interest in whatever the supposed prize is, fast. I guess being "noticed" loses it's allure when you know you can flip it on and off in a heartbeat.

I'll never fight over a guy, because I shouldn't have to. Any relationship you have to feed a stupid amount of energy into maintaining isn't supposed to be a permanent fixture in your life. Unless you like being vamped.  If his eyes are on you because you can paint a prettier mask than other chicks, then he doesn't want *you*.

The vast majority of self-promotion turns me off utterly and makes me ashamed to be a Psychic. I will never be so desperate for money that I start trying to convince everyone, regardless, that they need ME, NOW. I'm very choosy about who I work with. The acceptable Psychic template is so far from who I am that the fucking Hubble couldn't find it.. and I can only work as who I am, and not in some generic mold. My skillz don't follow a sparkly, people-pleasing path and I have no time for anyone that expects me to present as if they do, solely to court business. The *only* reason I still offer services is cause I am not allowed to quit, there'd be too much badgering from people if I did. Also, Mystic works better and makes me smile.

I'm not in this to be altruistic, so I'll keep going as long as I can be clear about me; once you compromise your integrity, it's so easy to get lost in, and shaped by all the fucking energies of everyone else.. it's no wonder that all the other actual *competent* psychics I know are misanthropic cunts with a hermit lifestyle.

I don't want to save the world, fuck no. No. *pulls puke face* I do like pranking it though, and payment is a bonus. I'm no more "Darkworker" than I am Fluffy Fuckstick.. my motivation is chaos. I cannot get my head round this constant need people have to limit themselves with labels. Maybe they like belonging to a club
¬_¬
I deserve every penny of my fees, but that's an old, lost blog.

Protip: Everything is for sale. Most online sellers target their audience, thus the audience is the commodity and they are trying to buy it. That's what squishing yourself into a format is. If I ever make mega success it will be because I'm sought after, not because I invested years selling myself up the Ziggurat. (If it's meant to go somewhere it will, I haven't lost interest yet, so..keep going)

....

I won't give anything out here that is precious, because I don't care if you don't *know* me. I know "successful" writing is meant to be about baring ones soul, and all that, but honestly, I save that for a few very special people. I'm bulletproof, but I'm not gonna wear myself out proving it. The pressure to be all deep and sharing and gut oneself like a road accident is immense and peer pressur-y and therefore hugely repellent to me :)

...

I'm not totally sure of the point of this, I think it's somewhere in between of "writing is easier when I stop trying to make you look" and "don't change to please the world, make the world fit you" with a detour to "venting is healthy, here I am, venting, but don't expect to get a shag out of it". Yeh..

I think time will help with the awkward feelings that there's a residual "BW" image.. it's only called that in the url, and only because it was more convenient to leave the urls alone.

"It's like a vat of acid with a PIE in! roll in, victims!"

Death v Chaos

 Did I say how good it feels to be following my own star at last? It feels *really* good, like the brakes are off and I can enjoy life, without restriction. I never was gonna be happy being told how to dance, and why to dance, and to write a whole lot of audience-focused choreography when most of my motivations have only ever been "...because...". That shit really sucks the life out of me.

Things haven't changed a huge amount, but my attitude to them has, and that has done more than anything to color in the happy pages for me.

In my experience, which I can only ever speak from, removing qualifiers, justification and even exact goals is the only thing which really helps manifest serious change and the true expression of self. As long as I felt beholden to anything or anyone other than me, I was going through life wearing blinkers. It's so damn EASY to convince yourself of the validity of your actions if you use something or someone else as justification.. but it's just more absolving of responsibility. Most people do that.. or they settle for less than they deserve and then fight to convince themselves they are happy.

 I see people embrace death and mortality as a "solution", reasoning that Earth is some kind of Hell or lesser dimension that twinkly multi-dimensional happy-sky-beings visit like a haunted house on Halloween , often using sight of "the end" and what may come afterwards as a carrot to get themselves through a suck-ass life. The whole focus seems to be on getting through it all as fast as possible.

It doesn't work, and the result is a fixed, unchanging, eternal stagnation. Death is a rigid, inescapable Law of Everything. "Law" being defined as "reason free from passion". Well, that's just super.. a passionless existence? Sounds a bit Tolle-sque to me *clicks off safety*

The biggest mistake is clinging to the past.. hoarding sentimentality.. feeling bound to an ever-growing pile of heavy things which weigh more in guilt and duty than any legitimate emotional value they might hold. It's easy to kid yourself that you are "learning from your mistakes", but all that is happening is a continual rehashing of the same limited experiences.

The only place the past exists is in memory. Trying to change it is a pointless exercise; if you did manage to erase all the "bad" things, you'd lose context for all the gains, and for what? So you could look back on a past that didn't hurt? Awwwwwww! ...That has the same appeal for me as a Traditional Christian Heaven full of fat little cherubs and harps. In another post, maybe, if and when I can be bothered, I will point out why Hurt Has to Happen. I'd like to think my readers aren't actually needing me to tell them that though.

As for "being held back" well, I have been there, too, and in the end, the only person holding me back was me, by my own inaction. Even then, there was a reason for my lack of action, which has only become apparent since. Everything is an ongoing Happy Accident, right?

I think that if I had to give one single reason for a lot of the unhappiness I see people experience it would be "fear of change".. they choose to be miserable or stagnant because of worry over *stuff that hasn't actually happened*. That's a pretty powerful fear then o_O

Except.. what if life doesn't have to suck?
I recently decided not to worry any more, about anything. Ok, so that sounds really flippant.. but it worked. I figured "Worry=feeling bad about imaginary things". See, I have been through loads of crappy situations and lived to tell, and they never followed the path that prior worrying predicted. Sure I still think about things that are Yet To Be, but my thoughts never take the track of flinging me into a dark hole of Woe. "I'll deal with it if it happens" has become my mantra towards all things negative.

Chaos is my Voodoo. I feel safe in the unpredictability that terrifies others, always have done, but now I've finally learnt to work with it. As far as manifesting goes, it's the best tool EVER. I seriously recommend kicking your life apart if it shows signs it's falling apart; take control, because then you'll get first dibs on what's left after all the bullshit has been cast out. Passion is a Trickster, come to shake life up like a snowglobe.

Chaos is all about the passion that a lot of ....fluffier belief systems say you should deny. Drama and change are exhausting but there is no mistaking their effect. I've never known any artist say they were inspired by notions of unchanging safety.

Once you throw out all the things that do not work (literally and figuratively), the space that's left can be filled with fresh, new beliefs,hopes, ideas and direction. Surprisingly quickly too- Nature abhors a vacuum ;)

Accepting and embracing change, newness and an unwritten future carries within it the potential to create the experiences you want. Looking ahead and enjoying the journey carries such a thrill, that over-analysis of the past will never provide
.
*Everything* is new and exciting when you change your point of view.. and when you also trust in yourself to shine a path through adversity, the downs only lead to more ups. That sounds pretty, doesn't it? Adversity still sucks but confidence in your ability to deal with it makes it suck less, because you know you aren't a helpless victim.

And how did I change my point of view? I decided *I* was worth fighting for. I'm not scared of failing, or hurting.. just of standing still :)

So, what's the upshot?
**You can keep trying to fix what's wrong in your life. You can beat yourself up over the past. You can decide life is shit, and give up on it, and rush through it moaning the whole way. You can find excuses for inaction. You can list all the ways you are trapped, and sing hymns to dogged finality.

**You can throw it all away on a whim and live a little. Or a lot even. I'm kinda enjoying the scenic route. Patience doesn't have to be all sucky and virtuous if you remember that it's part of The Plan.

Tigers and Behs and Transitions, Oh My!

I'm gonna assume that most people reading this already know of me and what I do, and also know the old "Beyond Within" site. 

Obviously there has been a massive shake up, so if you want to know what, why and how it affects you, please read on.

I'll be as diplomatic as I can, but I'm not putting it before clarity. Take it or leave it.. I can only speak from my perspective.

For nearly 4 years, I worked under the umbrella of "Beyond Within", a site put together by my ex as a vehicle for us both to work from. He realised I have various marketable fucknutty talents, and decided that selling those, along with him writing on metaphysics, would be a great source of income for him.

I had little say in the way I was presented and the way the site was marketed. "Palehorse", for that be the way he refers to himself and his carefully-constructed image, openly took his inspiration from the well known blogger Steve Pavlina.

He ran the blog, and I did the readings, the useful energy hoodoo and halves on the reiki.

Over time, it took off, I rewrote anything applicable to me and wrote some blog posts. It was a struggle to shoehorn myself into his brand, and things weren't great at home. Put nicely, whatever we once met on was gone, and we were like diverging lines.

I started my own blog in 2010 in order that I could write without restriction. As I gained notoriety with my work, PH quit writing, which struck a massive blow to our traffic.

I soldiered on for 18 months, with his energy eventually swamping me and cutting off my income.

The homelife was just as crap and draining.. his "Eternal Transition" was more "Eternal Stagnation", as tends to happen when one superglues themselves to formule and disappears up their own arse. It brought me low.. owch.

The Tower.. Violently Destructive Change.. is a huge part of me, and kicks in when I hit rock bottom, forcing me to take charge and rise up from nothing on new, stronger wings.

I'd ended it with him a long time ago.. but he ignored me, and wouldn't leave, and carried on sucking me dry, and so I got increasingly dispirited and withdrew from life.

A few weeks ago, a defiant rage at the Universe, some fantastically deep, dark karma (girly blush).. and a few other bits of deja vu clicked in my mind.

Challenge accepted =) I cut all the crap from my life, figuratively and mentally.

I feel so much better. Reclaiming "Beyond" and reworking it to fit me is part of my new direction. "Change Yourself, Change Your World" was coined by me, and I feel justified in continuing to use it, because I practise what I preach. I was gonna walk away totally, but ..fuck that shit, I'm gonna salvage what I can.